Someone really close to me hurt me badly. This was back in September 2020. I won’t go into detail, but I spent weeks being virtually paralyzed with grief and depression. Finally, a simple truth dawned on me: it really was her. Not me. I was used by a person who came across as sweet in innocent but, in reality, turned out to be a self-absorbed sociopath. It was at that moment that my depression turned into anger.
But anger is good. Anger is much easier to deal with. Anger, I can work with. Anger doesn’t paralyze you – on the contrary. It fuels you. It makes you creative and productive. So, in a bizarre attempt to somehow process my feelings, I came up with the idea for a character who is basically pure evil. And she’s just huge fun to work on!
Bernadette, my character, is sweet, sexy, and seductive, but she is also someone you’d be well advised to stay away from. And come to think of it, the things she does have virtually nothing to do with that person I was so close to.
It’s funny how these arty things work.
As I keep adding new images to the social media accounts I’ve created for Bernadette, the evil bear girl, I would like to share some of them with you. Please enjoy!
More info: Instagram
You can get away with anything if you only wear a hi-vis vest
Few people realize just how easy it is to commit ANY crime as long as you’re wearing a hi-vis vest. Seriously. You only need to put one of those on, nothing else. Everyone will assume that you’re acting on the order of the city administration.
This is how clever girl Bernadette secured herself a splendid dinner of a swan and egg-fried rice.
Look, what’s that?!..
Bernadette disposing of a Russian dissident at a restaurant in London’s fashionable Knightsbridge area. For the third time already, she received a suitcase stuffed with US dollars and a picture of her next victim…
House no longer to let
Despite being a callous, sadistic sociopath, Bernadette is not averse to silly pranks, either.
Got no time for love
Bernadette has never been much for the love and all that. The last thing she needs is some stupid mythological creature shooting arrows at her!
Bernadette & Elton
A long time ago, the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg was a very modest but self-sufficient state. It wasn’t until Bernadette and her pet dragon Elton started robbing the country’s people and treasury that history took a dramatic turn. When Elton finally died of natural causes (fish poisoning), Bernadette was no longer able to defend the immeasurable wealth she had accumulated.
When the Luxembourgers found the treasures, they realized it was much more than Bernadette had taken from them! She had namely been robbing all the neighboring states, as well! Very discretely, the Grand Duke of Luxembourg decided to pocket all the gold.
So, now you know why the folks over in Luxembourg have more money than they know what to do with. If you haven’t heard this story before, it’s only because they don’t really like to talk about it.
Bernadette, the proudly brown bear
When Bernadette moved to Rhode Island at the beginning of the 20th century, she began writing tiresome horror prose using long-winded sentences of no less than eighty-seven words each. It wasn’t that she needed the money. It was just a phase.
Using her newly-gained fame, she published a pamphlet on why brown bears were vastly superior to polar bears. She argued that not only was her kind more fearsome in combat but also no self-respecting bear would want to live on a block of ice.
Today, most of her writing is (luckily) lost, and the negotiations with a cable network to make a miniseries based on her life fell through.
Not even Mars is safe from her
Remember when the Mars Rover drew a penis on Mars back in 2013? Well, guess who it was that hacked NASA’s computer!
Pull up your pants
There are few other things Bernadette hates as much as saggy pants and hoodies. Luckily, with a little bit of patience (i.e., the threat of gun violence), she can help anyone improve their taste in clothes…
Not everyone knows about Bernadette: she has always been a passionate hunter, be it with a shotgun, a bow, or with her bare hands.
And so, one day, she had an idea: she purchased one of the smaller British Virgin Islands solely to shoot rabbits. There were no rabbits to hunt on the island, so some would have to be imported. When word got out, a few indignant voices pointed out that hunting for pleasure was murder.
Bernadette replied that while that may be so, she would be hunting to control the rabbit population – not for fun. It’s just that the island’s rabbit population was zero at that moment – but once it would increase, someone would need to control it.
Bernadette, the Reanimator
It’s not like Bernadette doesn’t have money. She does. She has plenty. It never seems to be quite enough to her, but she’s never had to stop herself from buying something because of the price tag.
And yet, if you owe her more than the price of a small lager, she will squeeze it out of you.
Even if you happen to be dead – she has her own means of resurrecting you…
Oh, and how about this one? Threatening the colonists on a distant planet growing space potatoes (no, those space potatoes won’t give you special powers, and they do not make space travel possible, either. But they’re delicious when served with grated cheese and garlic sauce).
When Bernadette is hungry, Bernadette is hungry.
Oh, and incidentally, who do you think started this whole COVID mess?
Anyone can write on Bored Panda.Start writing!
I’m a freelance linguist living in London, UK. I’m the founder of the “Bernadette’s Crimes” project, have a thing for Gilbert & Sullivan’s operas, dream of running a bar in a nudist colony, have been a passionate movie buff since early childhood and have written a number of fiction and non-fiction books under various pen names. Read more »
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